Break up

I ended a relationship that lasted exactly one month. I don't regret having it. It was beautiful. I was in love. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. There were so many beautiful parts to it and I will always remember it with lots of fondness. But right now I also need to remind myself why I had to break it off. So here goes the hurtful stuff. 

First of all it was really tough for me to understand when he tried to explain anything related to how he felt. He used to leave things out when we made plans. He assumed things without asking or discussing with me. There were a lot of clarity issues. I couldn't understand his cues or hints. When I told him I can't understand them he didn't take it seriously and try to explain anything. He just decided I was being selfish and self centered, while I was just trying to protect myself. Also I had told him I can barely get his jokes and sarcasms yet he kept using it. That made me feel dumb n hurt but I didn't feel secure enough to tell him this.  He had said concent is important for him, but he didn't really ask my concent most of the time. He got naked in front of me without asking for concent and acted like nothing happened. But then later blamed me and said that I didn't ask him concent before kissing him. So I am pretty confused about what he means by concent. He says I am not letting him be himself with me, but I had no idea I had that effect on him. He said I raise concerns and he respects them but I don't care about his concerns or feeling. I don't know when I didn't respect his concerns. He said I am judgemental and critical about everything. But I don't even remember doing that even once. He called me rigid minded. Also he never called me out on being judgmental when I was being judgmental. Also when I asked him if he can give me an example of when I was judgmental he got offended. His style of communication is way too confusing for me. And he is not understanding that I am not able to understand what he is saying. So it feels like he is not capable of communicating in a way I can understand. And I am not capable of understanding the way he communicates. So it is better to part our ways. But the communication gap only comes when it is about the relationship stuff... Emotions, feeling, concent, boundaries, concerns etc. 

But for the rest of the things the conversation was always great and beautiful. I will miss that with him. I wish maybe someday we could become friends. I do want to share the world of fantasy and poetry with you. Go to some forest n pickup manjadi with you. Sleep on the medow and create figures in clouds and tell fairytales and build imaginary worlds together. We could be like childhood friends. We could be two children lost in the woods. That is something I want to do with you some day. 

PS:  lt might be my neurodivergence, I keep wondering and confused about some things he had told and done. It just keeps looping in my head and can't get out of it. Lemme therefore try to write it down and see if it helps. 

Confusion 1: He wanted to interact withy kid over video call. I was not entirely comfortable with doing it on a daily basis. So I put some boundaries around it. I would only call on alternate days Or so. But then I used to send him pics or clips of her once in a while. Thinking that would make him happy. But thinking back I feel like maybe he might have felt that I don't care about his feelings regarding my kid. But he never really brought it up. So I don't know. Should I not have sent him her pics n clips? Was that me being insensitive? I don't know. 

Maybe I should have put up clearer boundaries. But would he respect them? 

Confusion 2: I had deleted some messages that were sent by me to him on watsapp before him reading it. Mostly that happened when I changed my mind about what I had to say. Is that wrong? And he didn't raise any concerns about it. So I thought it was ok n felt comfortable doing it when I felt like it. But then suddenly one day he said he hate it. And that I have been doing it for a while now. I said sorry n will try not to do it again. I had no idea he was not ok with it. And he was not happy with the whole situation. Thinking back he did ask what we're the deleted messages some time, but he never said anything about hating it. Now I am gussing that probably I didn't read the cues right. 

Confusion 3: He told me hygiene was important to him when it came to physical intimacy. First I thought he probably want everything really clean n washed. He also said he is sensitive to tastes and smells. Sometime later he also mentioned he like more natural smells. He had also said things like he want lick my armpits and smell my sweat. So then I got confused. I thought maybe he doesn't want that level of cleanliness as I thought, he probably only want s basic level of hygiene. Also I had told him that I often forget to brush. But he didn't say anything about it. So I thought he wouldn't mind it that much. But then when we had an argument he told he had issue with when I kissed him when he was still half sleep one morning. I was already up n had washed my mouth. So I don't know if it was about hygiene or something else. He wouldn't explain it. Also now I am wondering if he had any issues with my level of hygiene. I am not the most clean hygnic person and I didn't take any extra effort to keep myself clean for his sake. So I don't know if that was one of the things he ment when he said I didn't care about his feelings and concerns. But had no idea back the. Even now I am not sure. 

Confusion 4: He said concent was important for him. I too said it was important for me. But he did many things with out asking concent like sending me a semi nude first, then once completely getting nude while on video call while changing n acting like nothing happened. Then again when we were in a hotel room together he got completely naked in front of me before going into the bathroom. He didn't ask if I was okey with it any of these times. In fact I did get uncomfortable seeing him naked without out any warning. Also when we were getting intimate he didn't really ask for verbal concent, I was okey with it. But I also assumed that he is only expecting the same level of asking for concent from me as well. Also earlier when we were texting he once told me he wants to wake me up by going down on me. Then I wondered that it wouldn't be exactly consensual. But I thought that was ok with him. So the next morning when he was asleep I kissed him. I thought he probably liked it. I don't remember how exactly he responded. Anyway he did not say no. He didn't show any dislike. But later when he had an argument he said about the kiss as an example for me not taking his approval before doing something that involved both of us. Yes I didn't ask his concent. It was not the right thing to do. But it was his actions that led me to believe that he will be ok with it. If he thinks it is ok to do to me then am I wrong to assume that he will be ok if I did the same to him? 

Other issues: Not giving me the whole information. Assuming that I'll be free. Not asking before making plans. Expecting me to just do things without any heads up. 

Red flags: 

- Not communicating clearely all the time

-Didn't give me any support when I said I am not feeling well

- Feeling way too insecure, and needing reassurance

- He has many ex girlfriends but he is not in touch or friends with any of them

- He is still gets triggered and upset by the thought of his past relationships

- So he is getting into new relationships without healing from the past one therefore bringing all that shit along.